Being Bruno

Finding Peace

The end of the rainbow, Finally getting there, arrival. There is no there, there.

I don’t know if peace can be found as a destination, I really doubt that it can and am beginning to get glimpses of it on the journey. Yesterday was a trying day, the paint wasn’t flowing from the brushes, my arms wouldn’t do what I wanted, I hadn’t slept well (haven’t slept well in ages really) the day took longer than I expected, in everything. I kept running out of time,, or felt like I was running out of time, I was feeling pressed by everything about and around me. There were several times I just said “cancel everything, I can’t cope” to myself, and I am glad I only said it to myself. Because.

I found moments of peace, As the day was drawing to evening and I was rushing to get dinner ready, really feeling pressed and a failure. Rushing about the kitchen, wanting quiet, something that seldom (read never) happens when mom is home because the TV is always on, I heard “you old poop” come from the TV. “On Golden Pond” was on TCM. Immediately a ray of light forced its way through the dark clouds that obscured peace yesterday. This is far from what I would call a happy movie, it is full of trauma, and full of victories. But it is full of life, and I realized as I was getting supper ready, how blessed I am, not in the very real way of being able to prepare a nice dinner for my family, but in having people around me that I love and care for. I sat, when I could, and watched snippets of the film, I saw myself growing older with all its problems, and I saw my beloved with all his problems as he grows older, and I loved every one of those problems with and for him. I loved them because I saw, that no matter those problems or his feelings of insecurity or being unsure, he is still the man I love, and how blessed I am to have him in my life for whatever time I get to have him in my life. And, I realized that there is a completeness in my life because of him. Completeness not in the sense of arrival, but the journey, the rough difficult journey of life, with all it’s bad moments and troubles, is okay, because there will be times when I can see his smile break through, when he doesn’t know I am watching him and not the TV. When I look through the furrowed brow and troubled exterior, and see in the depth of his eyes the great beauty of his soul, of who he is and was made to be. My beloved unfettered gives me great joy and peace. I know that life has layered him with all the other stuff, but I am blessed because I can see, and do see, and will always see the clarity of his soul. The journey is complete not because it is done, but because I get to love.

That is where peace lies, in the journey, when it all doesn’t fade away. It is all there, still, will always be there, and I love, The troubles, the traumas of life will still be there, the injustice and wrongs will be there, the illness and pain will be there, but so will the occasional smile, exuberance, discovery, tenderness, joy, victory, and most of all love. Life will go on, and what a gift that can be. The cool morning air calls me, I think I will dance today, probably not, but maybe, just maybe, I will get to step outside of the failures of what should, and revel in the joy of what is, and find peace on the journey, together.

What silliness life is, what a joy to see it.